did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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