I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
