you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
