The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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