Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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