I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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