The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
being pregnant is like rehab
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
