not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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