fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
We are all done wearing pants today
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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