Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
