Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
