Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
