This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
