I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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