apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
