Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
why do cheetos always look like penises
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
