Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm at about main and main street
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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