Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
