haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
