I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
