She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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