That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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