My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
