I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
