We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
