Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
