Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
