I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
