Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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