Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
