This dress was meant to end up on your floor
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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