See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
