He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
