so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
