is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
