My cat gives me a boner
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
