i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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