she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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