people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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