When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
