Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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