I just gift wrapped bread.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
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