I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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