you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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