I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
