so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
