I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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