we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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