We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
