did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
how drunk are you?
Several
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
