i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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