Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
